Being Adopted - having my own children

Part 2



I found my birthpeople at 24, and met them. Through this emotional journey I discovered I ended up in life right where I belonged. With my amazing mom and dad.

I had always felt that whatever their reason was for giving me up that I gave them credit for giving me up. I always felt that there had to be some dire situation that had to have happened, and they couldn't take care of me. That life was so terrible that you were forced into giving away a child. That your only shot at giving this baby any kind of life was to hand them to strangers.

After meeting them and seeing their way of life this definitely put holes in the emotional reasoning I had built in my psyche for so many years. They could afford me, they were married, they weren't young.

This really didn't bother me that much until I had my first child. I remember that feeling of holding my daughter for the first time. The emotions washing over me. The immediate bond I felt to her. The feeling I couldn't believe this small little perfect person actually came out of my body. And probably, in retrospect, have a true blood connection. I didn't want to ever put her down. Up to this point, this was the most incredible day of my life.

After about a month of having her home. Watching her sleep, feeding her, staring at her for hours, and enjoying ever second with her it started to creep in. I now didn't understand my birthpeople at all. How on gods green earth could you ever give away your own flesh and blood. How could you carry them in your body for 9 months feeling them move, turn, even hiccup, push them out and give them to someone else to take home.

20 months later I had my son, and 2 1/2 years later I had my third son. After 7 years of being a mom this initial wave of emotions I had about my birthpeople only got strong. After all of the nights sitting up with my kids when they are sick, putting band-aids on boo boos that need kisses, and watching their unconditional love in return. Seeing each of them walk around with a piece of my heart. The unexplainable love I feel for them everyday, I do not get them at all.

I do not get a woman who carries 2 babies and gives them both away. And let me make it clear, I do not wish they kept me. I just now think, as an adult, something had to be very wrong with her emotionally to have made her choices in life. And I cannot image if for some reason I had made her choices, and gave away two of my babies, the guilt and worry would haunt me till it probably would've killed me.

Now I know this is probably not the "politically correct" response for an adult adoptee. But I also know that many other adoption stories I hear are far different than mine. There was no rape, she wasn't 16, she wasn't a hooker or a drug addict. When you know nothing your whole life about what happened your mind thinks it has to be one of these scenarios, because why else would someone actually give up a child. To find out they had a good marriage, and weren't young, and had complete financial stability leaves me stumped. The only logic my brain can make of this is they have to be crazy.

I am very much at peace with being given for adoption. I love my family, and I was given the best of everything. I was raised with love and support. So I just think now, thank goodness I was!! Because learning the truth would've really rocked my world if I hadn't had it so good.

One thought resonates with me all the time now. My mom died when I was 20, I still miss her every day, but one thing she always told me through the years. A mother is not someone who just pushes you out. A mother sits up with you all night when your sick, a mother is always there to wipe away your tears, a mother is the person on the side line cheering loudest for you, a mother is that comforting face you always look for when you are unsure. That is what makes me your mother. It doesn't not matter one bit that you didn't come out of my body, you came out of my heart. I love you mom... thank you so much for all that you did.